you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
