My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
