I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
