Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
