I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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