Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
