Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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