i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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