my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
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I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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