apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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