I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
