Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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