Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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