brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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