Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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