I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
