I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
