Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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