what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
