listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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