When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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