I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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