the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm bleeding and have questions
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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