Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
