I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
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Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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