I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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