dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
