Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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