Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
