Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
smell my finger.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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