why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize