She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
