Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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