4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
