Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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