Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
