Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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