Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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