Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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