Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
