I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
