If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
