there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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