Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
All the doctor said was why
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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