I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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