Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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