wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
please come you make the beer taste better
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
