my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
