The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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