I smell stomach acid.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
