the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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