I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
