I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
