Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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