Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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