Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
