I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
