Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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