I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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