She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I believe in your delicious
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
