I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
